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Quick Celeb Haiku

Jordan and Andre,
With entourage and filming,
walking up some stairs

Far be it from me to suggest that some minor celebrities are now so desperate for attention that they are actually resorting to paying for their own people to follow them around with video cameras on a regular basis, but that’s certainly how it looked to us as we stood waiting to check in at Heathrow last night. Well, it was just as well they had the cameras there. I mean, could you imagine if some crucial “walking up stairs at Heathrow” footage wasn’t captured for posterity. Presumably we should expect to see it aired on ITV2 later this year. Clearly it’s what multichannel digital telly was invented for.

Anyway, so I’m in Singapore again, and the Internet is still free here. All rather painless so far, and only another 7 hours to Melbourne.

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Moving On I’m Moving On…

And it’s not just my company that’s in the process of moving. Last week Sal and I squeezed all our belongings into a small white tranny and headed over to our new home around the other side of Regent’s Park. And it looks like we have finally managed to extricate ourselves from the whole messy Landlady not paying the mortgage debacle that was the last year of our lives, without either being evicted or ending up out of pocket at all.

As you may recall, we spent much of July last year wondering if we were about to be forcibly removed from our home. After a short respite, things kicked off again in October, with the arrival (rather wonderfully, in a “you couldn’t make this up” stylee on my birthday) of a court summons addressed to our landlady for the possession proceedings, which were due to take place at the end of November (when we were going to be in Australia).

The hearing itself never actually took place, but we didn’t find that out until a few days before it. A week before the court date, the claimant’s solicitors sent a copy of their evidence to the flat. Although we were both in Australia at the time, a friend of Sal’s who was house-sitting for us helpfully emailed us the details. This made for very interesting reading, especially the parts where the solicitor stated that “the claimant has not consented to any letting of the whole or any part of the property and to the best of [her] knowledge and belief there is no other people other than the Defendant and family who could apply to the Court for relief”. Not exactly words to encourage you to believe that your interests are going to be considered, especially if you happen to be several thousand miles away and can’t attend the hearing. This also made for interesting reading considering that I’d previously contacted this firm of solicitors and told them that Sal and I were occupying the property as the tenants.

Luckily, I happened to be staying with my solicitor sister at the time, and she helped me draft a witness statement that we then faxed over to the court. A few days later (on the day of the hearing) a letter arrived at the flat back in London letting us know that the case had been adjourned. Who knows what really happened–maybe she paid her arrears in full–but I like to think we played our own small part in keeping a roof over our heads for the remainder of our tenancy.

Of course the problems didn’t end there. As the end of our tenancy approached we began to wonder how we might go about recouping our deposit payment (a month’s rent). Unfortunately, it turned out that this was held not be our landlady, but by the dodgy management agency, the Spencer Michael Consultancy, who, we then discovered, had entered into a Corporate Voluntary Arrangement at the start of November 2005 in an effort to avoid bankruptcy.

After spending much of Christmas worrying about how we were ever going to get that back, we ended up gently persuading the landlady to sort us out and attempt to recoup the money from the agency herself instead. Who knows, perhaps she felt guilty for the events of the last year…

Of course, although we’re now essentially settled in, a new flat brings its own new raft of problems. Most of those seem to be sorting themselves out fairly quickly, though, and so far the utilities lottery that has become an annual fixture of my life seems to be going off in a reasonably painless way: for the third time in a row I have had to get a BT engineer out to activate my phone, but it certainly didn’t require a full street’s worth of engineers this time. And sure, one of the previous residents might appear to owe the council a couple of hundred quid, but that’s nothing compared to the events of the past year. [The increasingly threatening letters that had arrived at the flat over the course of the past several months (while it was unoccupied) do make for amusing reading, though–you can clearly see the progression, as the early empty threats (“notice prior to committal to prison proceedings”) morph into what appear (judging from the fact that several months have passed without it actually happening) to be rather baseless promises to send the heavies round (“in your area this week”) and relieve the chap of all his worldly goods. With each letter, a bit more red appears on the page–the most recent claimed to be the “final notice”, but sadly I’ll never get to see if that too is just an empty promise, as I phoned them up to tell them he doesn’t live there anymore. It would have been fun to see where they go from there (entirely red paper? red ink? death threats?) but I didn’t want to take the chance that they might actually pop round and relieve me of my iPod. So I’ll never know…]

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Southport

Idly flicking through the channels last night, after returning from a lovely curry with friends to celebrate Sal’s birthday (and to avoid any of that hallmark sponsored nonsense that might have been going on elsewhere), we chanced upon a late-night “adult” episode of the shabby student soap Hollyoaks. For reasons that were never adequately explored or explained, everyone appeared to be in the North West’s finest shabby seaside resort, my old home town of Southport. I shouldn’t be surprised, really, given that Hollyoaks is made by Phil Redmond’s Mersey Television, who occasionally used to film snippets of Brookside in the town (and I seem to recall that at least one character from that show came to a rather murky end buried beneath Southport’s miles and miles of golden sand dunes).

Last night’s episode of Hollyoaks mostly covered various characters hanging around in rather drab, chintzy looking hotels (yep, that’s Southport alright). The only exterior shots consisting of a couple of blokes wandering around a small area (well, round about here, actually) near the fair and the sea front (and there appeared to be some kind of sub plot about the characters having previously ridden on Southport Funland’s very own low-budget answer to Blackpool’s Pepsi Max Big One roller coaster, the Tizer Traumatizer).

(Sorry, I’ve just realised that there’s no actual point to this entry, I don’t have anything funny to say about it, and I’m not quite sure how to end it, so why don’t we just stop now and pretend this never happened. Right. Carry on…)

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“What’s the Point in being Rich / If You Can’t Think What to Do With It?”

I’m sure that “bosses” at Camelot must be rubbing their hands with glee at the “lottery fever” (copyright all tabloid newspapers) that has been “gripping the nation” recently.

Now, I know that this is all essentially a tax on those with a shaky grasp on the concept of probability (Londonist tells me that the odds on a single ticket winning the jackpot in the EuroMillions draw–76 million to 1–are roughly the same as playing a single number on a roulette wheel five times the size of the M25), but that still hasn’t stopped me from buying a couple of tickets for this week’s draw. [Well, why would you want to not win only £5 million, when you can not win £125 million instead?]

I’ve also opted in to our work syndicate, although that is more because, as unlikely as it is, I wouldn’t want to be the only person in the company who has to come in to work on Monday. 3 people have apparently opted to take this chance, but that does mean that any winnings we do get will be split between 51 people. That’d be fine if we were to win the top prize (if we’re the only ticket holders to do so, that’d be a cool £2.5 million each), but given that the prize distribution in this particular competition is so heavily skewed towards the jackpot, it’s far more likely that we could “win” one of the minor prizes but get back less than our collective initial stake. Hmm. Looks we’ll probably all be back in the office on Monday after all, won’t we?

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Working For The Cash Machine

Not that it’s the most original thought in the world (and I can hardly be the first person to have spotted it), but I never cease to be amazed by the shockingly high fees some ticketing agencies will slap on top of already inflated gig ticket prices.

This morning I picked up a couple of tickets to see Hard-Fi at the Brixton Academy in May. I went through ticketweb, even though they’re part of evil ticketmaster, because their fees are always the cheapest (and you can pick the venue pick-up option, which is not only cheaper because you don’t have to pay an over inflated delivery charge, but also generally better because there’s no relying on the Royal Mail to worry about, and–at Brixton at least–you get to avoid the queues by going in through a separate entrance). Even so, they were charging 12% of the face value in fees (or £2.22 per ticket). Now I know that this is how they make their money, and that they don’t get a cut of the ticket price itself, but still, what the hell is the £8.88 I’ve just paid them for 4 tickets actually paying for? I booked through the website, so at no point was an actual human involved in the transaction, and the tickets will be printed out on the day of the show and stuffed into an envelope at the box office. Two quid for printing the name of the gig on a small bit of paper with a hologram on it? I don’t think so.

I know for a fact that the same agency can happily print the tickets for First Friday at the Islington Academy for only 85p booking fee per ticket, so I’d be interested to know why it costs an extra £1.37 per ticket to wing the details over to Brixton electronically instead. Is this some special pricing structure that BT apply to electronic ticketing agencies? Do they charge more per kilometre that the data has to travel?

Then again, it could be worse. “As a favour to the band’s fans” (I discovered on browsing their message board yesterday) they were running a presale yesterday through The Way Ahead/Seetickets/Gigsandtours.com (or whatever they choose to call themselves these days) agency (they of the Glasto ticket shenanigans fame). I could have picked up the same four tickets yesterday in the presale and paid a total of £15.70 in fees (this to buy four tickets with a face value of £18.50 each). That’s a total charge of 21%. So I decided to pass on that gracious advance offer from the band and take my chances with the general sale. I also noticed that Stargreen had tickets for sale as well, but their fees were up to a whopping seventeen quid. I wonder what they pay the envelope stuffers in these places…?

AND while I’m on the subject, NME / Hard-Fi marketing peeps, please don’t give me this nonsense about them selling out Brixton in just 15 minutes, and suddenly adding extra dates due to unprecedented demand: it took them at least 24 hours of “presale” plus a good 60 – 90 minutes this morning to sell all the tickets for their first two dates [EDIT: And oh look: one of those Brixton dates they “sold out” in 15 minutes now has tickets available again online, over 24 hours after the tickets went onsale, yet still the NME inists that the band sold out their initial dates in 15 minutes (where did this figure come from, exactly?) and that they were “forced” to add more dates…], and, hey, well, that was a stroke of luck that you just happened to have some gaps in the tour schedule and were able to add in those extra dates to the tour like that. Just as well the Manchester Apollo and the Brixton Academy just happened to be available for another night, isn’t it?

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Quickie Rant…

…and while I’m on the subject, another thing that annoys me about the abuses of the English language foisted on us by the popular press is the continued prevalence of journalese. I don’t know about you, but it always makes the tabloids in particular seem extra shouty and hysterical.

This morning’s The Sun, for example, which someone’s left in our office kitchen, continues their shocking, undoubtedly front page-worthy, story from last year about the fact that someone in the fashion industry may have taken drugs, by suggesting on the front page that the “drugs case [against Kate Moss is] in tatters after Cop Quiz”. So what’s a “cop quiz”, then? Is that like a pub quiz? Do all the police sit around tables trying to think of answers to questions about pointless legal action involving celebrities? Do they have to drop the case brought by the team with the least points?

The broadsheets are just as bad, too: also on Moss, today’s Indie tells me, helpfully, that all this started when “video footage of her allegedly using cocaine emerged last year”. So tell me, how exactly can the video show her allegedly using cocaine? Surely it either shows her using it or not–isn’t the allegation of cocaine use yours, Mr Indie (or the News of the World’s, for that matter)? Just because “allegedly” has become a catch-all disclaimer from the printing of legally dubious statements, it doesn’t mean you can confer the ability to make these assertions onto inanimate objects, just to attempt to avoid being sued for libel…