Who says all football commentators talk rubbish?

From a preview report on the Everton v Liverpool derby match, which takes place tomorrow: “PREDICTION: You just can’t predict this one. It is a derby match with so much resting upon it. As I have to, I’m going to go for a draw.” Reminds me a bit of these.

In the end it only took me an extra hour to get home last night. I may have waited 20 minutes for a train that didn’t come; got a bus to a tube that wasn’t going anywhere; sat on the tube for 10 minutes in the station; got off the tube; shared a taxi to ...

What I did on my holidays, by Matthew Armstrong aged 25 3/4

Oh, it was lovely and hot. If you want to see more, you’ll have to e-mail me.

When we finally got there, after spending a fun-filled 5 1/2 hours hanging around Gatwick while Air Europa fixed the dodgy left engine on the plane we had almost left on (there’s only so much sock shopping one person can do, and 5 hours is pretty much the limit), we discovered that Madrid is a ...

Part of a continuing theme: “Best Picture Ever“

It’s easier to criticise…

The problem with reading things like this (UPDATE: or, for that matter this) that I totally agree with, is that I have nothing to rant about. Where’s Metro when you need it? Have you ordered your copy of the London News Review yet?

Grace Under Pressure

I just picked up the new Elbow album, Cast Of Thousands, on which I sing. And there I am on the middle page of the sleeve, between Matilda James and Matt Arrowsmith. Ah. Fame at last.

Orange jacket bloke at entrance to V2003 arena: You can’t bring that in here [points to 2 litre plastic water bottle in my hand] Me: Why not? We brought it in yesterday. [This is true] Orange jacket bloke: Well you must have hidden it or something. [This is not true]. You can’t bring that in ...

I’ll probably be writing something a bit later on about this weekend’s excellent V festival (sorry Rob, ‘fraid you missed a goodun) with only a slight rant about the outright extortion (£3 a beer and your only choice of beer is Budweiser? come on…), and the generally poor organisation/silly rules enforced by jobsworths in orange ...

Fair and Balanced

Today, I am reliably informed, is “Fair and Balanced” day on the Internet. In response to the decision by the (un)fair and (un)balanced Fox News to sue a US satirist for breaching the trademark they claim to hold over the English-language sentence “Fair and Balanced” (he’s about to publish a book called “Lies and the ...